A Letter To Santa Claus From His Geico Auto Insurance Agent
Dear Mr. Claus,
Regarding the highly unusual nature of your recent claim for repairs to your vehicle in the amount of $124,568.27, GEICO has the following questions and concerns.
First off, you’ve listed your reindeer-powered vehicle in the ‘delivery utility’ category and stated that it’s used solely for business during one annual 24-hour period from dusk on December 24th, until sunrise on the 25th. You also stated that the mileage driven during that time is 150,365 miles (approximately). You also mention that during this period that you park on various “rooftops” which we can only assume to mean parking garages located at the roof level.
GEICO recognizes that your means of employment is highly unusual (as is your vehicle and driving style) and we’ve done our best to accommodate your insurance needs, however curious they may seem. In light of your recent accident, we’d like to point out the following:
- The claim that you drove 150,364 miles in a single night would suggest that you are traveling at speeds in excess of 6,265 miles per hour, which is not only questionable in accuracy, but would be highly illegal and instantly void your claim if this were indeed true. Please clarify.
- We are having difficulty locating your vehicle in our database, as you have listed the make as “Red Sleigh” and the engine type as “9 Reindeer-powered” which we can only assume you actually meant “9 horsepower.” If this is a new eco-friendly vehicle on the market, please let us know.
- Your qualification for coverage is also in question due to the fact you have not listed “Elves” as additional drivers on your policy, who became inebriated while using the company vehicles in an unlawful manner. Please provide names of these drivers as well as employment verification documentation.
- One eye-witness report said “Away they all flew like the down of a thistle” which would suggest to us that you may not even be eligible at all for our auto insurance, but rather our aircraft policy.
- On a side-note, you have also caused damage claims from homeowners who assert that you have caused damage to their roofs by animals; and last year you became stuck in a homeowners chimney. We are still investigating whether this is a trespassing, or break-and-entry case.
- In the police report, they also mentioned that you only had a single headlamp operational at the time of the incident.
Given the highly unusual nature of your business, we want to point out that our willingness to provide coverage stems from the fact that you run a non-profit business whose sole aim is to ‘bring joy to millions of children throughout the world’, for which you receive no financial consideration. That is certainly a worthy enterprise, however we can only stretch our limits of coverage so far when it comes to your unusual needs.
Specifically, your claim for repairs for the accident that occurred on the night of November 29th states that two inebriated ‘elf’ employees commandeered several reindeer and took the vehicle for a joyride without your permission, crashing it into a snowbank after shearing off the tops of several large fir trees. You state that the runners on your vehicle were bent beyond repair and need to be replaced, as do the “jingle bells” and steering mechanism (such vehicle modifications were not listed on your policy).
You also state that the antlers of two “reindeer” became entangled in the crash and require cosmetic reconstruction of $15,900 each to mend their disfigurement. We have been contacted by legal representatives for Prancer and Dancer, who are filing a claim for a considerable amount. In addition to the expense of cosmetic antler reconstruction, they’re filing a suit for pain and suffering due to the ridicule they’ve received from their fellow reindeer and elf co-workers, who are apparently quite cruel in their mockery. Perhaps you could mediate this situation with your employees.
Meanwhile, we are forthwith dispatching our North Pole claims representative, to your address at 100 Saint Nicholas Lane, Ho Ho Township, North Pole 00001 to inspect the vehicle. Please do not make any repairs until he arrives. As our attempts to locate your address on MapQuest and Google Earth have turned up nothing but a large iceberg populated with penguins and polar bears, please forward detailed directions to your location. As you may recall, last year one of our representatives was unable to find your address and spent several days in an abandoned igloo waiting for rescue. We hope to avoid a similar incident again.
We assume that the elves responsible for the damage have been terminated from your employment and suggest that for additional savings on your corporate policy, that you conduct regular drug and alcohol screenings for all of your employees. Please remember to keep your vehicle locked at all times so that it’s no longer accessible to unauthorized elfin drivers.
Due to these annually recurring reported claims, we will be increasing your ultra-short term insurance policy (one day a year) to $121,492.53. And while we have rejected similar claims every year in the past, we would like to remind you that you are still saving $140 over Esurance, and $95 over Statefarm.
P.S. Please fix your birth date as listed on the policy as it appears to have a large typographical error.
GEICO Claims Representative